The New Priest

A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips. After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word.
“I’ve got a few suggestions,” he says. “Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this. “Very good,” says his senior. “Now try saying things like 'I see', 'I understand' and 'Yes, go on.'” The younger priest practices these sayings, too. “Well done,” says the older priest.

“Don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying: “No way! What happened next?”

Are women born this way?

Are women born this way?

Check this little lady.

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks Daddy, how was I born?

The father answers, Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via email with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said.....


*
*
*
*
*




'You have Male!'

Friends like this...

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined
to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

Stavros Flatley - semi final

BRITAINS GOT TALENT 2009 - SEMI FINAL - STAVROS FLATLEY (FULL PERFORMANCE & HQ)

Not as funny as their audition, but they did make it to the final.

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

Hot 25 year old girl

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,
"44 years ago we had a cheap appartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old girl.
Now I have a $1,500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65 year old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.

The CEO

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press --and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

Computer jokes

Pupil: In other schools, pupils get a choice of computers to use.
Teacher: You get a choice her, too. Use the one we've got or don't use any at all.


What do computer experts do at weekends?
Go for a disk drive.


What do you get if you cross a computer with a ballet dancer?
The Netcracker suite.


How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?
Hide their trainers.

Quotes

This is a feminist bookstore. There is no humor section.
--John Callahan


"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann


I am very fond of truth, but not at all of martyrdom.
-- Voltaire


The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
-- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

School

'What were you before you came to school, girls ?' asked the teacher, hoping that someone would say babies. She was disappointed when all the girls cried out, 'Happy'.
The lice girls.


Teacher: I'd like you to be very quiet today, girls. I've got a dreadful headache.
Mary: Please, Miss ! why don't you do what mum does when she has a headache ?
Teacher: What's that ?
Mary: She sends us out to play !

Referee

The football club dance was in full swing when three strangers arrived and demanded admission. 'May I see your tickets, please?' said the club secretary at the door.

'We haven't got any tickets,' said one of the men. 'We're friends of the referee.'

'Get out of here!' said the club secretary. 'Whoever heard of a referee with three friends!'

Sick Leave

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house'

Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter, "What are you doing?" she asked, "hunting flies, " he responded. "Oh, killing any? She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females, he replied. Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone," he responded

The Dad Song

Dadsense by Anita Renfroe

Renfroe is the comedian who wrote the Mom song, here is her response to her own song.

Happy Mother's Day!

The Mom Song

How does every ethnic joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.

Confession

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

Parenting

Life Support
I like discussing controversial issues with my father, like the Kevorkian trial. I said, 'Dad, do you think a family should have the right to withdraw life support on a loved one?' 'Well it depends on which kid.'

Grandparents
They want to get back on their kids for screwing up their lives, so they're your best friends. 'You know, Grandma, Dad's yelling at me.' 'Oh yeah? Well tell him he peed in his bed 'til he was 12. See if he yells at you now.'

First marriage
This is my second marriage, and I have a kid from my first marriage 'cause I like souvenirs.

Marry Daddy
Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, 'Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry you.' We laughed about it. My wife said, 'Don't make the same mistakes I did.'

Diet

I have to stop eating....*snif*

Bea Arthur

The Golden Girls do Sunny & Cher

Loved her!

Blondes

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached
a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she
move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Bumper stickers

-- All men are idiots, and I married their king.
-- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
-- I brake for no apparent reason.
-- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.
-- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
-- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
-- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
-- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
-- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
-- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.
-- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
-- Consciousness cuts into my napping.
-- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
-- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
-- Keep honking. I'm reloading.

Exercise

Can you tell that I don't like exercise? :-)

I like long walks, especially when
they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is that you die healthier.

The only reason I would take up jogging
is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to exercise early in the morning
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to show up.

Benny Hill Quotes

- I have never been so insulted in my whole life.
- That's because you don't get around enough...


(Written on a wall)
God is dead - Fred
Fred is dead - God


- How can you tell a married man in a bar?
- He always turns his back when he opens his wallet.


-Drink and sex. That's what killed your uncle - drink and sex!
-Yeah. He couldn't get either, so he shot himself.

Advertisements

How imaginative can they be? More special FX photos here.

Funnies

What is the meaning of life?
All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.


Why did God create man first?
So he wouldn't have to be told how to do it.

Password rejected

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'penis.'

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

Ducks in Heaven

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,'We only have one rule here in heaven:don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,there are ducks all over the place.It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,and although they try their best to avoid them,the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.St. Peter chains them together and says,'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter,who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very,VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks,but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

Ken Lee - Bulgarian Idols

Ken Lee - Bulgarian Idol (WITH ENGLISH TRANSLATION)

Walks Into a Bar

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

Modern Art

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an
art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one
contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is
that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed
to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

Religion

A man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door (as he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him,"You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service."

The Zen Master

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

Marriage and divorce in Heaven

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life,
and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for
them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went
on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,
that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to
St. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy forever, but
now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there
any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter.
"It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry
you. I will never get a lawyer!"

Kids In The Hall - French fur trappers

Kids In The Hall - French Fur Trappers
old time classic, great guys :-)

A Jokes Fan Club

A jokes fan club. All the jokes are cataloged and the old members know their numbers. An old member says:
- Five!
All laugh. Another member:
- Twenty four!
General laughter. A newbie, first time in one session, saw that is enough to tell the number of a joke, decides to try:
- Sixteen!
Absolute silence. Nobody laughs. One of the old members tells him:
- Pal, doesn’t matter the joke, it’s important to tell it well.

Kids' jokes

what’s red and smells like blue paint??
RED PAINT!

why do sea gulls live by the sea??
CUZ IF THEY LIVED BY THE BAY, THEY’D BE CALLED BAY GULLS!

what did the picture say to the wall??
“I’VE BEEN FRAMED!!!”

what did the ocean say to the beach??
NOTHING–IT JUST WAVED!!

why did the kid study in an airplane?
HE WANTED A HIGHER EDUCATION!

Things you don't say to your wife

Tim Hawkins Things you don't say to your wife

Listen and learn :-)

The Flasher

Fruit will not be the same anymore ;-)

Scared

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in serveral night time excersises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.
"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apperhensive."
I asked, "What's the diffrence??"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."

Blond

A man asked a blonde what she thought about blond jokes.
She replied, ''I think they are good but they might be offensive to some mexicans."

Q: What's the advantage of having a blond as a girlfriend?
A: You get to park in handicapped zones.

What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
A rebel without a clue.

Quotes

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook exactly but we have a complete set of soup knives.

A friend asked my wife if I was hard to please.
She replied, "Don't know. Never tried."

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

Lenny Henry - because I'm black

I just like this comedian.

The 80's song

The 80's Song

I feel so oooooold :-)

Dating

Guilty feelings

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
"Howard. You're a veterinarian."

Youth

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Meet the Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Breast exam - commercial

banned commercial - breast exam (funny)

Demetri Martin

Some jokes from Demetri Martin.

I notice that there are no 'B' batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion. Because if there were, you wouldn't know when someone was stuttering.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'Dude'? 'Dude, these are isotopes.'

About a month ago, I got a cactus, and a week later, it died. I got really depressed because I was like, damn, I am less nurturing than a desert.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

This is a Test

See if you can answer these correctly...


Are you the weakest link? Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them quickly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.

OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready?


First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?


Answer: If you answered that you are first,then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!



Try not to mess up in the next question. To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took on the first question.

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?


Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!



You're not very good at this are you?
Third Question:

Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.


Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30..add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total? Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check your calculator!


Today is definitely not your day.
Maybe you will get the last question right?


Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2 Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?


Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the Question again.

Quirky news

Snogging gran scares off bailiff

A German granny gave a bailiff the kiss-off - by snogging him as he raided her home over a credit card bill.

The 6ft 6ins man fled when 5ft tall Sandra Hertzog showered him with kisses as he tried to get into the family house in Telgte, western Germany.

When the 58-year-old opened the door and saw the bailiff, she threw her arms around him and tried to reach up to give him a kiss on the lips.

The bailiff managed to release himself from the granny's vice-like grip and fled back to his base to report the incident to his boss.

"I wasn't trying to scare him off," said Hertzog. "He just looked like such a hunk standing there I felt like giving him a kiss. There's no law against that is there?" she continued.

Now police are investigating the incident after the bailiff reported his attacker for alleged assault.

Short story

A college class was told they had to write a short story in
as few words as possible. The instructions were that the
short story had to contain the following three things:

(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ paper in the class.

"God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who the father is."

Busy

Elementary, my dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

A fortune teller

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."

Geeks' Quotes

AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.


"Keeping UUCP running is starting to seem a lot like keeping a 130-year-old man who smokes 4 packs a day on life support because he's the last person on Earth who knows how to do the cha-cha, but he won't tell anyone."


"NOTE TO SELF: When CGI women start turning you on, it's time to leave the house."

?

Drunk driver

A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. "Didn't you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked.
"An arrow?" the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the Indians"

Funny magic trick - Barry and Stuart

Funny Magic Trick - Barry and Stuart

Men

Q: What is the most insensitive part of a penis?
A: The man


Q: What is the definition of ultimate rejection?
A: Your hand falling asleep while masturbating.


Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows. It's never happened.


If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Have to

A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best friend in bed. The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says, "My God Pete !!! I more-or-less 'have to', but YOU ???"

Give up now, earthling!

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Price decides everything

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

Penny talk

Q: What does one penny say to the other penny?

A: Let's get together and make some cents.

Lego Lisa

For more Lego Art you can go here

How many?

Two friends:
- I heard that you have made a band.
- Yes, it's a quartet.
- How many of you are there?
- There are three.
- Three?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a brother?
- No, why do you ask?

Funny Commercial

Free to Good Home

The Condom Conversation

A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of -factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son… Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The Dad replies, “Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”

“Cool, says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men.” the Dad answers, “Two for Friday, Two for Saturday and Two for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks with bright eyes, picking up the 12 pack.

With a sigh, the Dad replied, “Those are for married men, one for January, one for February, one for March…”

Funny Quotes

* Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.” - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

* I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

* Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

* By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates

* I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

* My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

8 Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say

Top 8 Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say

8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6. Ohh, this diamond is way to big!
5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends."
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!

Bra sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

Divorce

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me?"

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit and they're paying their own way!"

Funny guys

Because it's Sunday, a longer video clip.

Anniversary

A guy says, "For our Twentieth Anniversary, I'm taking my wife to Australia."

His friend says, "That's going to be tough to beat. What are you going to do for your Twenty-fifth Anniversary?"

The first guy says, "I'm going to go back and get her."

Art Lesson

Hale & Pace - Marbles

Blonde

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: Tell her to count the stairs on a escalator.

Q: What's the advantage of having a blonde as a girlfriend?

A: You get to park in handicapped zones.

Jesus and his Father

One time in heaven Saint Peter said to Jesus, “I'm going on vacation and I want you to watch the pearly gates. Everybody who comes up, you ask the questions and you decide if will stay here in heaven.”
“Okay, Saint Peter, I will,” said Jesus.
Jesus was receiving everybody when, he spied a blind and very old man coming toward him. Jesus said to him, “tell me about your life.”
And the old man said, “I remember nothing about my life. The only thing I remember is that my son was very famous on the earth and I was a carpenter.”
Jesus thought, “A son very famous and he was a carpenter, he must be Joseph.” Jesus with his eyes full of tears said, “Father?”
The old man, touching the face of Jesus said, “Is that you Pinocchio?”

Madonna, Britney and Christina

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.

Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says "I’m going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."

Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."

Not even noticing Britney’s stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I’m going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can’t stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I’ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.

Number of Blonde Jokes

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?

A: One. The rest are all true stories.

Skin Transplant Surgery

A married couple was

in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Bad Habits

A man complained to his pal, “I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5:00 in the morning.”

“What is she doing?” the pal asked.

“Waiting for me to get home.”

Heaven and Hell

“My wife converted me to religion,” Joe told his friend.

“Really?” his friend replied.

“Yes,” Joe said. “Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.”

Heavy House-Cleaning

Carlson goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Carlson," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Carlson "I knew I could count on you!"

To laugh often and much

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

Ralph Waldo Emerson