Stavros Flatley - semi final

BRITAINS GOT TALENT 2009 - SEMI FINAL - STAVROS FLATLEY (FULL PERFORMANCE & HQ)

Not as funny as their audition, but they did make it to the final.

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

Hot 25 year old girl

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,
"44 years ago we had a cheap appartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old girl.
Now I have a $1,500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65 year old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.

The CEO

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press --and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

Computer jokes

Pupil: In other schools, pupils get a choice of computers to use.
Teacher: You get a choice her, too. Use the one we've got or don't use any at all.


What do computer experts do at weekends?
Go for a disk drive.


What do you get if you cross a computer with a ballet dancer?
The Netcracker suite.


How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?
Hide their trainers.

Quotes

This is a feminist bookstore. There is no humor section.
--John Callahan


"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann


I am very fond of truth, but not at all of martyrdom.
-- Voltaire


The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
-- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

School

'What were you before you came to school, girls ?' asked the teacher, hoping that someone would say babies. She was disappointed when all the girls cried out, 'Happy'.
The lice girls.


Teacher: I'd like you to be very quiet today, girls. I've got a dreadful headache.
Mary: Please, Miss ! why don't you do what mum does when she has a headache ?
Teacher: What's that ?
Mary: She sends us out to play !