29 March 2009
26 March 2009
Scared
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in serveral night time excersises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.
"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apperhensive."
I asked, "What's the diffrence??"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."
"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apperhensive."
I asked, "What's the diffrence??"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."
24 March 2009
Blond
A man asked a blonde what she thought about blond jokes.
She replied, ''I think they are good but they might be offensive to some mexicans."
Q: What's the advantage of having a blond as a girlfriend?
A: You get to park in handicapped zones.
What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
A rebel without a clue.
She replied, ''I think they are good but they might be offensive to some mexicans."
Q: What's the advantage of having a blond as a girlfriend?
A: You get to park in handicapped zones.
What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
A rebel without a clue.
23 March 2009
Quotes
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook exactly but we have a complete set of soup knives.
A friend asked my wife if I was hard to please.
She replied, "Don't know. Never tried."
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
A friend asked my wife if I was hard to please.
She replied, "Don't know. Never tried."
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
22 March 2009
21 March 2009
19 March 2009
17 March 2009
Guilty feelings
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
"Howard. You're a veterinarian."
But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
"Howard. You're a veterinarian."
16 March 2009
15 March 2009
Meet the Mistress
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
14 March 2009
13 March 2009
Demetri Martin
Some jokes from Demetri Martin.
I notice that there are no 'B' batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion. Because if there were, you wouldn't know when someone was stuttering.
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'Dude'? 'Dude, these are isotopes.'
About a month ago, I got a cactus, and a week later, it died. I got really depressed because I was like, damn, I am less nurturing than a desert.
I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
I notice that there are no 'B' batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion. Because if there were, you wouldn't know when someone was stuttering.
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'Dude'? 'Dude, these are isotopes.'
About a month ago, I got a cactus, and a week later, it died. I got really depressed because I was like, damn, I am less nurturing than a desert.
I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
11 March 2009
This is a Test
See if you can answer these correctly...
Are you the weakest link? Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them quickly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.
Ready?
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first,then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to mess up in the next question. To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took on the first question.
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!
You're not very good at this are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30..add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total? Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check your calculator!
Today is definitely not your day.
Maybe you will get the last question right?
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2 Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the Question again.
Are you the weakest link? Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them quickly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.
Ready?
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first,then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to mess up in the next question. To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took on the first question.
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!
You're not very good at this are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30..add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total? Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check your calculator!
Today is definitely not your day.
Maybe you will get the last question right?
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2 Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the Question again.
10 March 2009
Quirky news
Snogging gran scares off bailiff
A German granny gave a bailiff the kiss-off - by snogging him as he raided her home over a credit card bill.
The 6ft 6ins man fled when 5ft tall Sandra Hertzog showered him with kisses as he tried to get into the family house in Telgte, western Germany.
When the 58-year-old opened the door and saw the bailiff, she threw her arms around him and tried to reach up to give him a kiss on the lips.
The bailiff managed to release himself from the granny's vice-like grip and fled back to his base to report the incident to his boss.
"I wasn't trying to scare him off," said Hertzog. "He just looked like such a hunk standing there I felt like giving him a kiss. There's no law against that is there?" she continued.
Now police are investigating the incident after the bailiff reported his attacker for alleged assault.
A German granny gave a bailiff the kiss-off - by snogging him as he raided her home over a credit card bill.
The 6ft 6ins man fled when 5ft tall Sandra Hertzog showered him with kisses as he tried to get into the family house in Telgte, western Germany.
When the 58-year-old opened the door and saw the bailiff, she threw her arms around him and tried to reach up to give him a kiss on the lips.
The bailiff managed to release himself from the granny's vice-like grip and fled back to his base to report the incident to his boss.
"I wasn't trying to scare him off," said Hertzog. "He just looked like such a hunk standing there I felt like giving him a kiss. There's no law against that is there?" she continued.
Now police are investigating the incident after the bailiff reported his attacker for alleged assault.
09 March 2009
Short story
A college class was told they had to write a short story in
as few words as possible. The instructions were that the
short story had to contain the following three things:
(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery
Below is the only A+ paper in the class.
"God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who the father is."
as few words as possible. The instructions were that the
short story had to contain the following three things:
(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery
Below is the only A+ paper in the class.
"God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who the father is."
07 March 2009
06 March 2009
Elementary, my dear Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
04 March 2009
A fortune teller
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."
03 March 2009
Geeks' Quotes
AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
"Keeping UUCP running is starting to seem a lot like keeping a 130-year-old man who smokes 4 packs a day on life support because he's the last person on Earth who knows how to do the cha-cha, but he won't tell anyone."
"NOTE TO SELF: When CGI women start turning you on, it's time to leave the house."
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
"Keeping UUCP running is starting to seem a lot like keeping a 130-year-old man who smokes 4 packs a day on life support because he's the last person on Earth who knows how to do the cha-cha, but he won't tell anyone."
"NOTE TO SELF: When CGI women start turning you on, it's time to leave the house."
02 March 2009
01 March 2009
Drunk driver
A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. "Didn't you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked.
"An arrow?" the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the Indians"
"An arrow?" the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the Indians"
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