Funny Magic Trick - Barry and Stuart
28 February 2009
27 February 2009
Men
Q: What is the most insensitive part of a penis?
A: The man
Q: What is the definition of ultimate rejection?
A: Your hand falling asleep while masturbating.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows. It's never happened.
If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?
A: The man
Q: What is the definition of ultimate rejection?
A: Your hand falling asleep while masturbating.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows. It's never happened.
If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?
25 February 2009
Have to
A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best friend in bed. The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says, "My God Pete !!! I more-or-less 'have to', but YOU ???"
24 February 2009
23 February 2009
Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
22 February 2009
Price decides everything
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
11 February 2009
10 February 2009
09 February 2009
How many?
Two friends:
- I heard that you have made a band.
- Yes, it's a quartet.
- How many of you are there?
- There are three.
- Three?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a brother?
- No, why do you ask?
- I heard that you have made a band.
- Yes, it's a quartet.
- How many of you are there?
- There are three.
- Three?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a brother?
- No, why do you ask?
08 February 2009
07 February 2009
06 February 2009
The Condom Conversation
A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of -factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son… Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The Dad replies, “Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”
“Cool, says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men.” the Dad answers, “Two for Friday, Two for Saturday and Two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks with bright eyes, picking up the 12 pack.
With a sigh, the Dad replied, “Those are for married men, one for January, one for February, one for March…”
To which the man matter-of -factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son… Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The Dad replies, “Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”
“Cool, says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men.” the Dad answers, “Two for Friday, Two for Saturday and Two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks with bright eyes, picking up the 12 pack.
With a sigh, the Dad replied, “Those are for married men, one for January, one for February, one for March…”
05 February 2009
Funny Quotes
* Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.” - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
* I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.” - Eleanor Roosevelt
* Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
* By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates
* I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
* My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
* I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.” - Eleanor Roosevelt
* Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
* By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates
* I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
* My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
04 February 2009
8 Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
Top 8 Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6. Ohh, this diamond is way to big!
5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends."
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6. Ohh, this diamond is way to big!
5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends."
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
03 February 2009
Bra sizes
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
02 February 2009
Divorce
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.
The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.
She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me?"
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit and they're paying their own way!"
The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.
She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me?"
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit and they're paying their own way!"
01 February 2009
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