BRITAINS GOT TALENT 2009 - SEMI FINAL - STAVROS FLATLEY (FULL PERFORMANCE & HQ)
Not as funny as their audition, but they did make it to the final.
30 May 2009
Stavros Flatley - semi final
BRITAINS GOT TALENT 2009 - SEMI FINAL - STAVROS FLATLEY (FULL PERFORMANCE & HQ)
Not as funny as their audition, but they did make it to the final.
27 May 2009
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
24 May 2009
Hot 25 year old girl
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,
"44 years ago we had a cheap appartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old girl.
Now I have a $1,500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65 year old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.
"44 years ago we had a cheap appartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old girl.
Now I have a $1,500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65 year old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.
23 May 2009
The CEO
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press --and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press --and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
22 May 2009
Computer jokes
Pupil: In other schools, pupils get a choice of computers to use.
Teacher: You get a choice her, too. Use the one we've got or don't use any at all.
What do computer experts do at weekends?
Go for a disk drive.
What do you get if you cross a computer with a ballet dancer?
The Netcracker suite.
How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?
Hide their trainers.
Teacher: You get a choice her, too. Use the one we've got or don't use any at all.
What do computer experts do at weekends?
Go for a disk drive.
What do you get if you cross a computer with a ballet dancer?
The Netcracker suite.
How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?
Hide their trainers.
19 May 2009
Quotes
This is a feminist bookstore. There is no humor section.
--John Callahan
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
I am very fond of truth, but not at all of martyrdom.
-- Voltaire
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
-- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
--John Callahan
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
I am very fond of truth, but not at all of martyrdom.
-- Voltaire
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
-- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
18 May 2009
School
'What were you before you came to school, girls ?' asked the teacher, hoping that someone would say babies. She was disappointed when all the girls cried out, 'Happy'.
The lice girls.
Teacher: I'd like you to be very quiet today, girls. I've got a dreadful headache.
Mary: Please, Miss ! why don't you do what mum does when she has a headache ?
Teacher: What's that ?
Mary: She sends us out to play !
The lice girls.
Teacher: I'd like you to be very quiet today, girls. I've got a dreadful headache.
Mary: Please, Miss ! why don't you do what mum does when she has a headache ?
Teacher: What's that ?
Mary: She sends us out to play !
17 May 2009
Referee
The football club dance was in full swing when three strangers arrived and demanded admission. 'May I see your tickets, please?' said the club secretary at the door.
'We haven't got any tickets,' said one of the men. 'We're friends of the referee.'
'Get out of here!' said the club secretary. 'Whoever heard of a referee with three friends!'
'We haven't got any tickets,' said one of the men. 'We're friends of the referee.'
'Get out of here!' said the club secretary. 'Whoever heard of a referee with three friends!'
14 May 2009
Sick Leave
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house'
The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house'
12 May 2009
Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter, "What are you doing?" she asked, "hunting flies, " he responded. "Oh, killing any? She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females, he replied. Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone," he responded
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females, he replied. Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone," he responded
11 May 2009
The Dad Song
Dadsense by Anita Renfroe
Renfroe is the comedian who wrote the Mom song, here is her response to her own song.
10 May 2009
08 May 2009
06 May 2009
Confession
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."
05 May 2009
Parenting
Life Support
I like discussing controversial issues with my father, like the Kevorkian trial. I said, 'Dad, do you think a family should have the right to withdraw life support on a loved one?' 'Well it depends on which kid.'
Grandparents
They want to get back on their kids for screwing up their lives, so they're your best friends. 'You know, Grandma, Dad's yelling at me.' 'Oh yeah? Well tell him he peed in his bed 'til he was 12. See if he yells at you now.'
First marriage
This is my second marriage, and I have a kid from my first marriage 'cause I like souvenirs.
Marry Daddy
Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, 'Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry you.' We laughed about it. My wife said, 'Don't make the same mistakes I did.'
I like discussing controversial issues with my father, like the Kevorkian trial. I said, 'Dad, do you think a family should have the right to withdraw life support on a loved one?' 'Well it depends on which kid.'
Grandparents
They want to get back on their kids for screwing up their lives, so they're your best friends. 'You know, Grandma, Dad's yelling at me.' 'Oh yeah? Well tell him he peed in his bed 'til he was 12. See if he yells at you now.'
First marriage
This is my second marriage, and I have a kid from my first marriage 'cause I like souvenirs.
Marry Daddy
Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, 'Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry you.' We laughed about it. My wife said, 'Don't make the same mistakes I did.'
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