I have to stop eating....*snif*
29 April 2009
28 April 2009
27 April 2009
Blondes
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached
a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she
move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she
move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
25 April 2009
Bumper stickers
-- All men are idiots, and I married their king.
-- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
-- I brake for no apparent reason.
-- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.
-- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
-- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
-- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
-- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
-- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
-- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.
-- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
-- Consciousness cuts into my napping.
-- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
-- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
-- Keep honking. I'm reloading.
-- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
-- I brake for no apparent reason.
-- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.
-- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
-- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
-- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
-- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
-- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
-- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.
-- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
-- Consciousness cuts into my napping.
-- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
-- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
-- Keep honking. I'm reloading.
22 April 2009
Exercise
Can you tell that I don't like exercise? :-)
I like long walks, especially when
they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day
is that you die healthier.
The only reason I would take up jogging
is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to exercise early in the morning
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to show up.
I like long walks, especially when
they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day
is that you die healthier.
The only reason I would take up jogging
is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to exercise early in the morning
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to show up.
20 April 2009
Benny Hill Quotes
- I have never been so insulted in my whole life.
- That's because you don't get around enough...
(Written on a wall)
God is dead - Fred
Fred is dead - God
- How can you tell a married man in a bar?
- He always turns his back when he opens his wallet.
-Drink and sex. That's what killed your uncle - drink and sex!
-Yeah. He couldn't get either, so he shot himself.
- That's because you don't get around enough...
(Written on a wall)
God is dead - Fred
Fred is dead - God
- How can you tell a married man in a bar?
- He always turns his back when he opens his wallet.
-Drink and sex. That's what killed your uncle - drink and sex!
-Yeah. He couldn't get either, so he shot himself.
18 April 2009
17 April 2009
Funnies
What is the meaning of life?
All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
Why did God create man first?
So he wouldn't have to be told how to do it.
All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
Why did God create man first?
So he wouldn't have to be told how to do it.
15 April 2009
Password rejected
A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'penis.'
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!
Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'penis.'
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!
14 April 2009
Ducks in Heaven
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,'We only have one rule here in heaven:don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,there are ducks all over the place.It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,and although they try their best to avoid them,the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.St. Peter chains them together and says,'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter,who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and,not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very,VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks,but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says,'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says,'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
When they get there, St. Peter says,'We only have one rule here in heaven:don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,there are ducks all over the place.It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,and although they try their best to avoid them,the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.St. Peter chains them together and says,'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter,who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and,not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very,VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks,but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says,'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says,'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
12 April 2009
10 April 2009
Walks Into a Bar
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
09 April 2009
Modern Art
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an
art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one
contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is
that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed
to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one
contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is
that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed
to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
08 April 2009
Religion
A man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door (as he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him,"You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service."
The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service."
07 April 2009
The Zen Master
The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
06 April 2009
Marriage and divorce in Heaven
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life,
and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for
them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went
on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,
that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to
St. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy forever, but
now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there
any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter.
"It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry
you. I will never get a lawyer!"
and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for
them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went
on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,
that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to
St. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy forever, but
now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there
any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter.
"It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry
you. I will never get a lawyer!"
05 April 2009
Kids In The Hall - French fur trappers
Kids In The Hall - French Fur Trappers
old time classic, great guys :-)
03 April 2009
A Jokes Fan Club
A jokes fan club. All the jokes are cataloged and the old members know their numbers. An old member says:
- Five!
All laugh. Another member:
- Twenty four!
General laughter. A newbie, first time in one session, saw that is enough to tell the number of a joke, decides to try:
- Sixteen!
Absolute silence. Nobody laughs. One of the old members tells him:
- Pal, doesn’t matter the joke, it’s important to tell it well.
- Five!
All laugh. Another member:
- Twenty four!
General laughter. A newbie, first time in one session, saw that is enough to tell the number of a joke, decides to try:
- Sixteen!
Absolute silence. Nobody laughs. One of the old members tells him:
- Pal, doesn’t matter the joke, it’s important to tell it well.
02 April 2009
Kids' jokes
what’s red and smells like blue paint??
RED PAINT!
why do sea gulls live by the sea??
CUZ IF THEY LIVED BY THE BAY, THEY’D BE CALLED BAY GULLS!
what did the picture say to the wall??
“I’VE BEEN FRAMED!!!”
what did the ocean say to the beach??
NOTHING–IT JUST WAVED!!
why did the kid study in an airplane?
HE WANTED A HIGHER EDUCATION!
RED PAINT!
why do sea gulls live by the sea??
CUZ IF THEY LIVED BY THE BAY, THEY’D BE CALLED BAY GULLS!
what did the picture say to the wall??
“I’VE BEEN FRAMED!!!”
what did the ocean say to the beach??
NOTHING–IT JUST WAVED!!
why did the kid study in an airplane?
HE WANTED A HIGHER EDUCATION!
01 April 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)