The CEO

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press --and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

Computer jokes

Pupil: In other schools, pupils get a choice of computers to use.
Teacher: You get a choice her, too. Use the one we've got or don't use any at all.


What do computer experts do at weekends?
Go for a disk drive.


What do you get if you cross a computer with a ballet dancer?
The Netcracker suite.


How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?
Hide their trainers.

Quotes

This is a feminist bookstore. There is no humor section.
--John Callahan


"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann


I am very fond of truth, but not at all of martyrdom.
-- Voltaire


The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
-- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

School

'What were you before you came to school, girls ?' asked the teacher, hoping that someone would say babies. She was disappointed when all the girls cried out, 'Happy'.
The lice girls.


Teacher: I'd like you to be very quiet today, girls. I've got a dreadful headache.
Mary: Please, Miss ! why don't you do what mum does when she has a headache ?
Teacher: What's that ?
Mary: She sends us out to play !

Referee

The football club dance was in full swing when three strangers arrived and demanded admission. 'May I see your tickets, please?' said the club secretary at the door.

'We haven't got any tickets,' said one of the men. 'We're friends of the referee.'

'Get out of here!' said the club secretary. 'Whoever heard of a referee with three friends!'

Sick Leave

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house'

Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter, "What are you doing?" she asked, "hunting flies, " he responded. "Oh, killing any? She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females, he replied. Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone," he responded