Anniversary

A guy says, "For our Twentieth Anniversary, I'm taking my wife to Australia."

His friend says, "That's going to be tough to beat. What are you going to do for your Twenty-fifth Anniversary?"

The first guy says, "I'm going to go back and get her."

Art Lesson

Hale & Pace - Marbles

Blonde

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: Tell her to count the stairs on a escalator.

Q: What's the advantage of having a blonde as a girlfriend?

A: You get to park in handicapped zones.

Jesus and his Father

One time in heaven Saint Peter said to Jesus, “I'm going on vacation and I want you to watch the pearly gates. Everybody who comes up, you ask the questions and you decide if will stay here in heaven.”
“Okay, Saint Peter, I will,” said Jesus.
Jesus was receiving everybody when, he spied a blind and very old man coming toward him. Jesus said to him, “tell me about your life.”
And the old man said, “I remember nothing about my life. The only thing I remember is that my son was very famous on the earth and I was a carpenter.”
Jesus thought, “A son very famous and he was a carpenter, he must be Joseph.” Jesus with his eyes full of tears said, “Father?”
The old man, touching the face of Jesus said, “Is that you Pinocchio?”

Madonna, Britney and Christina

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.

Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says "I’m going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."

Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."

Not even noticing Britney’s stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I’m going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can’t stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I’ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.

Number of Blonde Jokes

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?

A: One. The rest are all true stories.

Skin Transplant Surgery

A married couple was

in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Bad Habits

A man complained to his pal, “I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5:00 in the morning.”

“What is she doing?” the pal asked.

“Waiting for me to get home.”

Heaven and Hell

“My wife converted me to religion,” Joe told his friend.

“Really?” his friend replied.

“Yes,” Joe said. “Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.”

Heavy House-Cleaning

Carlson goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Carlson," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Carlson "I knew I could count on you!"

To laugh often and much

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

Ralph Waldo Emerson